Hook's Happenings

Shutting Down

2011-01-06T00:10:00.002-05:00

I am officially shutting down this blog. I am now blogging under the name I plan to publish under - Josi Springs. Hope to see some of you there.

Just a Quick Note

2010-02-26T12:20:00.002-05:00

No time to do a real post, but I just had to do a quick bragging session because I'm so proud of myself. I got my tests back yesterday (one in cultural anthro and one in physical anthro) and I did great! A 95% on the cultural test and a 99% on the physical test!!!

When I have more time I'll do a post about the kids coming to school with me. Very interesting.

Things Are Good

2010-02-19T21:59:00.004-05:00

It's amazing sometimes how quickly things turn around in life. You've all "heard" me rant about the bad things that happened. Now you can hear the good.

FAMILY

The kids are great. I don't see them often enough thanks to work, but I need the job desperately, so I just have to deal with it.They're coming up on Wednesday to spend the night and will be going to school with me on Thursday (professor sounded quite excited by the idea of kids in class actually). I think the boys will enjoy it. Micah, not so much, but I'll bring my laptop and let her play on it during the lectures.

Should be interesting. And after we'll go see The Lightning Thief.

WORK

Work is going quite well. Only bleh part is that the full-time night guy has no plans to leave, so I'm stuck doing part days and part nights. But my boss has said that when I leave, she will do her best to arrange a transfer where ever I'm going. I'll definitely need that, so it's a very good thing.

I really enjoy hotel work, the interaction with the people. And for the past few months, whenever we're shorthanded, we front desk people take turns running the bar and restaurant. Gotta say, I like tips. Especially the cash ones you get to take home with you right away.

But I definitely don't want to be doing this for the rest of my life. Which leads into the next area of my life:

SCHOOL

I have definitely found what I love in anthropology. And my professor is beyond awesome. I adore him (and no, not in that way, thanks for the Indiana Jones reminder, Jon). Anthropology takes all the subjects I love (biology, genetics, psychology, sociology, etc.) and has them work together. It's just flat out great.

I got all my applications for transfer in, so now it's just a waiting game and praying for acceptances. Keep your fingers crossed for me please!

Okay, I think that's it for now. I'll check back in again soon.

Life Update

2010-01-11T21:25:00.002-05:00

*waves*

Hi, all. I still won't be posting regularly, but I will when I have the time/energy. Since I have the day off and no homework, I thought I'd post a little update on how life has been going lately.

First, school. I'm loving it. Right now I'm taking a required health class that is actually pretty interesting (I had expected to be completely bored). That finishes on Friday, then on Monday I begin my spring semester classes.

I'll be taking an astronomy class called The Cosmic Frontier (not interested in astronomy at all, but I have to get 2 sciences done and that was the one that was available), a sociology class called Social Problems and Intro to Cultural Anthropology. That's the one I'm really looking forward to. As I should since anthro is what I want to major in.

After these classes, I'll only have 3 more to get my AA degree!!

Work was going really well, and while I'm still employed at the hotel, I am actively looking for a new job because my bosses are not being very understanding about my school schedule. I only have one class where I actually have to be on campus (anthro) and class gets out at 1:45 p.m.

Theoretically that's plenty of time for me to get to work at 3:00 p.m. since the school is only about 20 minutes away.

Yeah. Plenty of time for someone who has a car, but I don't. I have to rely on Annapolis's notoriously crappy bus system which only has buses that pick up at the college every 2 hours. So class gets out at 1:45, but the bus won't pick me up until 3:30. It then gets me to the transfer point at 4:00 where I switch to the bus I need to get to work. After all that hassle, I'll get to work around 4:30 PROVIDED that none of the buses are running late.

And they always run late.

I understand my bosses' point of view on this. Really, I do. But I have a really hard time understanding why they can't work with me on this like they do the other two employees who are going to the same school. They adjusted their schedules with no problem.

Grrr!

Anyway, the kids are doing great. Had a fabulous Christmas. Micah got her ears pierced and spent days tucking her hair behind her ears and talking with her head turned sideways so the listener would *hopefully* notice the earrings.

Brett was thrilled with the books I got him (the rest of the Percy Jackson series). He also got a fingerprinting kit and we all spent Christmas with black fingertips and found fingerprinting powder in our food :)

Poor Ben was devestated that we still had about a foot of snow on the ground for the holidays because it meant he couldn't try out the one present he really wanted to try - a metal detector. So I'm pretty sure I know what he'll be doing when he gets here this weekend.

As for myself, I tried dipping my toes back into the dating pool, but don't think I'm really ready. There's too much going on to deal with the hassle that dating is.

I think that's pretty much everything at the moment. I'll check back again when I can.

I'm Back!

2009-09-27T12:31:00.002-04:00

Yes, I do realize I have been away from blogs for almost 3 months. Give me a minute and I'll fill you in on why.

Back in July, I had started my job at the Hilton (which I was extremely grateful to get and love), but that was also the month I became homeless again. I spent another 2 months on the street before I got the apartment I'm in now.

I also started classes again in August, so school and work are keeping me pretty busy.

Just when I thought I had everything under control, I came down with pneumonia. Grrr!

As if all that weren't enough, I get a phone call. I missed the court date for my traffic tickets and now there's a warrant out for my arrest! My ex had received the court papers at the old house we'd shared, opened them (a federal offense), then refused to tell me about it. He even made his gf swear not to tell me.

So this past Wednesday I went to the court to try to sort it all out. Ended up spending the whole damn day in jail (in a cell with a woman who killed her 14 year old son) and having to call my parents to bail me out. It was not an experience I ever want to repeat.

I'm just hoping that one day soon the soap opera-ishness of my life will end and I can just relax.

Silver Linings

2009-07-02T03:39:00.002-04:00

So a friend and I were talking the other day about why unfair and cruel things tend to happen most often to those who don't deserve it. Granted, those that do deserve them tend to suffer too, but it really seems that the good people suffer most.

The conclusion we came up with? Those that deserve to suffer and have the most to learn won't learn squat from their suffering. They'll just gripe and moan about how cruel fate is and never learn a thing. Just use it as an excuse to get more mired in their wrong ways.

The good people on the other hand (and by good, I don't mean people who never do wrong; just those with good hearts who try), they want to learn and will through their suffering.

As I look back over the past year of my own life, I realize that Yay! I must be one of the good guys. (And trust me when I say I've had my doubts on that issue in the past.) Because I've learned from all the crap I've gone through.

Now I know some people who know me well are reading this saying, "Yeah. Right."

Hey, I never said I was a quick learner. Just that I have learned. I'm stubborn and I know it, so life kinda had to hit me upside the head with a sledgehammer. But I did eventually get the message.

In the past year I have gotten divorced, lost primary custody of my kids, been homeless, and jobless. In general, flat out lost in life.

Things are slowly getting back on track. I have a home and my kids with me every weekend and I have a job that I love. Granted I have to find a new place before the middle of the month, but I can deal with that. I think.

But that's the big thing I learned this past year - I can deal with anything that comes my way. The other two big things I learned went against everything I was raised to believe - showing emotion does not mean you're weak, and asking for help does not rob you of your independence.

I still struggle with those last two. It's difficult to erase 36 years of belief in just one year, but when you have no choice, you do what you must. So even though I still don't like it, I will ask for help when I need it. I've even shed a few tears in public.

Still hate crying in general though because it always leaves me with a tension headache. Another friend of mine has a theory on that though. He thinks because of the way I was raised to view crying, I tense up so much that it's not the cathartic release that it should be.

I'm getting off topic though (Me, ramble? Never!).

My point is that the saying, "Every cloud has a silver lining," really is true.

So share with me some of the stormy clouds in your life and the silver linings you found.

Good News/Bad News

2009-06-25T02:07:00.002-04:00

Isn't that always the way? As soon as something awesome happens in your life, a negative comes along to cancel it out.

Of course, sometimes the negative is really a positive in disguise. But that doesn't change the fact that it makes you feel like the crud people scrape off the bottom of their shoes.

So the good news part is I got a job!!! Finally, after months of being without employment, I found a job. And not just any job, but one where I get to do stuff I enjoy! So thank you very much to the people at Hilton who hired me.

The bad news part is that I (once again) must find somewhere else to live. Grrrrr!! I want to be settled. I want to stop feeling like at any moment I could be back living on the streets (since I no longer have my car to live in).

I could handle it. If there's one thing I've learned in the last couple of years, it's that I can truly handle anything that life throws at me. I don't have to like it though :) And I would really hate being homeless again because it would mean months without seeing my kids regularly again.

That, I don't know if I could handle, so I'm keeping my fingers crossed and saying my prayers. (If any of you would like to lob a prayer on my behalf as well, I wouldn't complain. In fact I would be much appreciative.)

But like a friend recently told me: I have a job which is the first step. A steady paycheck opens the doors to finding a place to live and maybe getting a new car again someday.

The Whole World's Under the Influence

2009-05-27T22:00:00.004-04:00

. . . of fairy tales.

They're considered so harmless. Just sweet, happily-ever-after stories that we read to our children to prove to them that good will always triumph over evil. That true love will find us.

But what we're really doing is poisoning our children's futures. Happily-ever-afters don't really exist. There is a quote I read once that said something like, "The best we can hope for from life is to be content with moments of profound joy and sadness. If the moments of joy add up to more, you can say you've been happy." (Not an exact quote, and I have no idea who said it.)

Every fairy tale has that unrealistic ending. In most, it ties in with the whole true love thing. Usually love at first sight.

Do I believe in love at first sight?

No, absolutely not. I believe in lust at first sight. In attraction at first glance. In souls recognnizing each other. But not love.

Why do I equate growing up with fairy tales to be the same as being under the influence of drugs or alcohol? Easy. They both distort our perceptions of reality.

Anyone who has ever been drunk or high can tell you, nothing that is real seems real when you're under the influence. Everything seems simple, easy. That's half of why people drink when they're upset. It doesn't make the problems disappear, but it does make them seem insignificant enough that they don't matter for a few hours.

The effects of fairy tales is very similar, but they last so much longer. We girls wait, dreaming of a dashing prince who will sweep us off our feet and make all our problems disappear with a kiss and an, "I love you."

What is never shown though, is the fact that falling in love takes time and patience and frequently drives a person to tears. And once the love is there, it takes hard work to make it last.

A friend and I were talking once (when both of our marriages were falling apart). We were trying to figure out where we went wrong. After hours, we realized that we went into our marriages with unrealistic expectations. We truly believed, way back when, that once the vows were said, that everything else would just fall into place.

After all, that's all we knew about relationships that "worked". Neither of our parents had relationships that we wanted for ourselves, so our knowledge came from romance novels, movies, tv and fairy tales.

We finally (around 5 a.m.) came to the conclusion that love (real love) is like a garden. That first glance can plant the seeds, but then comes the hard work. There's the watering, the weeding, the checking for all those dastardly bugs that love to eat gardens, and animals that do the same. There's droughts and floods and early frosts.

So many things that can make a garden die. You can't just sit back, working on your tan, and expect your flowers or veggies to grow without help.

See You Later

2009-05-02T09:35:00.003-04:00

I am going to be out of touch for a couple of weeks. Right now I have extremely limited access to a comp, and I (hope) will be moving next weekend.

*dances for joy*

Am beyond excited!!!

See you all soon!

Question For You

2009-04-30T09:04:00.002-04:00

Life is just cruising along. Nothing much has changed (still job hunting and still seeing the kids on weekends and still *cringes* not writing).

As you know, to pass time at night when I can't sleep, I watch old tv shows on the net (or dvd). And I have a challenge question for you:

In the show 21 Jump Street, what 2 stars had small roles? (No, I'm not talking about Johnny Depp:)) There are 2 very well-known actors/actresses (actually 1 of each, though the female is not as well-known) that each appeared for one episode. Who are they?

Flashbacks

2009-04-24T07:51:00.002-04:00

One thing I love to do at night is watch old tv shows online (yes, the same thing I do when depressed). It's interesting (to me at least) the memories those old shows can evoke.

The most recent ones?

and

and

Many, many memories!

Uh oh!

2009-04-21T08:48:00.002-04:00

See?? This is how it always goes. A friend comes to visit for a couple of weeks and you stop doing all the things you normally do. Next thing you know, you haven't blogged in way longer than that.

So I'm going to try to get back on some sort of schedule. (But don't count on it. I'm awful with schedules.)

Btw, had an absolute blast with Yuna! Am so glad she came to visit.

My life lately? Pretty darn good, except for repeat sagas of "I want to kill my roommate." Yesterday I finished getting dressed and came out of the bathroom, headed out the door, when I noticed her 3 year old son sitting on the floor in front of the tv (yes, he's very easy to miss because he doesn't talk). She had left him with me without telling me. She is soooo lucky I noticed him before I was gone. As quiet as he is, he doesn't attract any notice at all.

Still no job except for the couple of housecleaning jobs that keep me (sorta) afloat. But I have some more prospects and will not give up.

I never heard back from the schools I applied to, so I'm assuming I didn't get in :(

Oh well, maybe next time.

At the moment I'm working on crocheting a baby blanket for my friend who's having a baby. It looks . . . interesting. A little lopsided. But in my defense, it's only the second thing I've ever crocheted. A baby won't care about lopsidedness anyway, so he can just use it for sleeping.

My baptism went as planned on April 3rd. Lovely ceremony. As a gift, one of the Elders got me my own copy of the scriptures (all 4) with my name on it. It arrived yesterday, and it's so pretty!! Am much excited by it. Thanks, Yuna, for accepting the gift on my behalf so I had no choice :)

Tonight I have Institute for Religion class at the Naval Academy again. I hesitate to go after last time (had a panic attack walking back to my car in the dark). And yet I really want to go. Not to mention, I'm supposed to give the Elders a ride, so I can't really ditch.

Hmm . . . I wonder if that's why they asked for a ride?

Anyway, things here are cruising right along.

Update

2009-04-07T12:10:00.001-04:00

I've been quite busy the past week with Yuna. Having tons of fun. It's always great to meet a fellow CCer and blogger in person. I will put up a more detailed post next Monday after she leaves.

And I got my kids for 3 whole days over the weekend!

YAY!!!

2009-04-01T11:52:00.001-04:00

Well, Yuna should be here in a little over 7.5 hours. I am beyond excited!! Doubt I'll be posting too much while she's here, so at the very latest, I'll be back posting on the 12th.

Upswing Momentum

2009-03-30T08:41:00.002-04:00

Wow! When things take a turn for the better, they just keep following that upswing.

I've had more time with my kids lately, have a lawyer helping me with all the icky paperwork on my divorce, have rescheduled my baptism for this coming Friday and got a job.

Why do things go in streaks? I'm not a big believer in blind luck. You make your own luck. So why, no matter whether things are good or bad, do they seem to continue the same path?

Have you ever noticed that?

Theme Songs

2009-03-25T15:25:00.002-04:00

I don't know about you guys, but I tend to have theme songs for different periods in my life. And I change them almost as often as I change my underwear :)

My depression is slowly lifting (thanks to busybody friends who won't take no for an answer and my adorable Methos), and my theme song has adjusted. It's a blast from the past.

Corey Hart, 1985, Album title: Boy in the Box -

Songs like this just make me realize that things aren't so bad. It can aways be worse.

What I've Been Watching

2009-03-25T00:35:00.002-04:00

Some people commented that they had never seen Highlander (talk about a sin!), so I thought I'd put up a couple of clips from my favorite Methos episode. After all, he is my favorite character. Who wouldn't adore a 5000 year old man who still knows how to act like a kid?

This next clip is from a different (but still great) episode.

And since I'm putting up Highlander, I'll put up some Gilmore Girls too.

Hope you enjoyed them as much as I do.

Flower Power

2009-03-24T13:58:00.001-04:00

I took this quiz that I found through Laughing Wolf's blog - What kind of flower are you? (Personally I thought it would say dead since that's how all my plants turn out within a couple of weeks. My plants are like other people's goldfish.) Here was what I got:

I am a
Canna

What Flower
Are You?

What are you?

Weird

2009-03-21T19:08:00.007-04:00

I almost never get depressed, and when I do, it doesn't last more than a day. Not so this week. I've been . . . hibernating, I guess you could say. In the past week, I've only spoken to 2 people other than my children. And only one of those was in person.

But, I have been doing what usually works to pull me out of the dumps - watch videos of my old, favorite tv shows. This past week, it's been

Highlander: the Series

and Gilmore Girls.

Not sure how many of you ever watched them (I know David was addicted to Highlander), but they are 2 of my all time faves. Others (that I haven't been watching this week include: 21 Jump Street, Charmed, Firefly, MacGyver, Quantum Leap, and too many others to name.

But this week I've stuck with those two, hoping they would cheer me up. No such luck. More than a week has passed and I still feel just as blech as I did at the beginning.

I even added all the Highlander movies into my viewing too. Nothing. Even lusting after my favorite character, Methos . . .

. . . did nothing to help. Though I did do quite a bit of drooling. Even Finn and Colin from GG (the funny duo who usually crack me up) have failed to draw a smile from me.

The worst part? I can't even figure out why I'm depressed. I'm certain that if I could figure that out, I could fix it, but so far it's not happening.

Exhaustion Rules

2009-03-15T01:07:00.002-04:00

It is now 1 a.m. I have been awake for 20 hours, the last 5 of which I spent in the ER with my youngest, Micah (yeah, Saturday night in the ER - fun!). Found out that she has strep, a double ear infection, a bladder infection and a yeast infection.

We're both 100% exhausted, so I think we're skipping church tomorrow.

Update

2009-03-13T15:20:00.002-04:00

YAY!!!

My kids get to spend the weekend with me. Sort of anyway. They'll be coming over tomorrow afternoon and staying until Sunday night.

Am much excited.

Life Updates

Job hunt - still no nibbles.

College - they are still waiting for one of my transcripts.

Writing - meh, it's coming - slowly.

Exhausted

2009-03-11T21:18:00.002-04:00

I spent the day babysitting and housecleaning. I truly believe that I have hit that stage of exhaustion that is almost like being stoned. Some of you I'm sure know what I mean. Everything takes on this sort of surreal quality.

On the plus side though, a woman from church is going to help me with my legal problems. She thinks the entire divorce can be overturned (if that's what I want), but I told her no. I want the divorce. No way do I still want to be tied to that scumbag. All I want is the child support to be based on the money I make (which at the moment is nothing). When I have a solid job that allows me to earn enough to survive on (without sleeping on a friend's couch), I will gladly pay child support. Despite the fact that he will still earn more than me. And I want the custody spelled out. No more of this "at his discretion" crap.

She says she can get that done for me :) Yipee!!

New Blog

2009-03-10T13:32:00.001-04:00

I started a new blog (though I will still keep this one and my writing one). You can check it out here.

Time For That Longer Post I Promised

2009-03-10T13:01:00.004-04:00

It's been a busy few days. Sunday I did see my kids. Things went well and I was feeling a lot better. The weather was so wonderful (75F or 24C for those not in the US) that we spent the whole afternoon at the park!

It almost made me wish I had a camera so I could post pics of them enjoying themselves.

Then yesterday I had an admissions interview over at Washington College (named after George Washington himself). I think it went well. Tony (the admissions guy) and I spent almost an hour and a half talking and he seemed really positive about my chances. They are just waiting to get my last transcript. He said I should hear from them within a week after they get it. So now I'm at the nail-biting stage.

My poor waiting skills always remind me of that old bumper sticker, "Lord, give me patience . . . And give it to me NOW!"

This morning, I was supposed to do the bi-weekly cleaning job I have. I have to reschedule because my roomie fell down the steps and I had to take her to the ER. She's ok. Just some torn ligaments, but pretty painful and I had her youngest son while she was there.

For the rest of the week, I will be babysitting and cleaning for my friend Sara who is trying to get her house in shape and finish all her homework (she''s working on her Master's in art - you can see her work here) before the family heads on vacation Saturday.

So I might be a bit scarce throughout the rest of the week.

What am I?

2009-03-10T11:08:00.001-04:00

You Are a Creek

You are a dynamic, energetic person. You tend to change quickly and often.
You are spirited and gleeful. You believe it's important to live a colorful life.

You are also quite brave. You are able to look past your fears.
You have what it takes to be very heroic. If the opportunity arises, you can use your strength.

http://www.blogthings.com/whatbodyofwaterareyouquiz/">What Body of Water Are You?

My friend Liana had this little quiz up and I thought it was cute.

I'll do a longer post later today (have things to share).

Advice, Please?

2009-03-07T16:29:00.002-05:00

As most of you know, I only get to see my kids on weekends. I spend all week looking forward to seeing them.

Well today I'm sick and I'm not sure if I should call my ex and cancel their visit this weekend (I don't want them getting sick) or not. Like I said, I don't want them to get sick, but I also don't want to cancel and then be completely healthy tomorrow.

Any suggestions?

Woohoo!!!

2009-03-05T13:46:00.003-05:00

I am beyond excited. Like dancing through the streets excited!

My friend Yuna is coming to visit from England!! She and I have been internet friends on Critique Circle for a couple of years now, and have talked about meeting forever. And now it's finally going to happen!

(Think I've used enough exclamation points yet? Because I could easily use more.)

Everything else in life is just chugging along. Am waiting to hear back from schools, jobs, etc. The baptism is back on schedule for April.

All is good :) Take care of yourselves.

Too Long

2009-03-02T07:10:00.002-05:00

Wow! More than two weeks since my last post. I had no idea I'd been that busy (and that sick) for so long.

*ducks head in shame*

Sorry, guys. But I'm back and will go back to doing (sorta) regular posts again.

So, let me tell you what's been going on in RL, so you understand.

Things with EE have . . . settled down, though not gotten any better. I have filed for a year's extension on my taxes so that I can get the child support payment mess sorted out before I file. He is NOT getting my lousy $500. I need it a hell of a lot more than he does.

Glam and Lotus showed up last weekend and we went to the Smithsonian National Museum of Natural History. Completely awesome!!! You can view Glam's post about the trip here and Lotus's here. Unfortunately, I don't take pictures, so I'm not posting about it except to say, if you want to see the most awesome exhibit, visit the Hall of Bones there.

Speaking of bones, on place I really want to visit is the Mutter Museum. It's a teaching museum connected to a med school. Looks beyond cool and my roomie and I are planning to go this summer (provided we're still speaking to each other then).

This past week (actually since about an hour after I said good-bye to Glam and Lotus), I've been dealing with a sick roomie and her sick kids. Not exactly fun. Of course there have been bright spots - chatting with friends online, filling out the paperwork for what I really want to do, getting my first job interview set up (though the earliest date they'd give me was in April - Grrrrrr!!).

All in all, I'm hanging in there and am ready to take on the world again.

Dollhouse

2009-02-14T08:14:00.003-05:00

I refuse, flat out refuse, to do a Valentine's Day post, so anyone looking for that better go to another blog. There's only an hour until I have to be at my cleaning job today, soI'm going to keep this short. (Yes, an hour is plenty of time to blog, except I still have to showerr, dress, eat breakfast.)

Life lately has been insane with job hunting and getting ready for my baptism. I haven't even written anything in a week or so. But I did watch the series premiere of Dollhouse last night.

It was interesting. It was even good. But I have to say, I hope it gets better. First of all, it is such a GUY show, if you know what I mean. Lots of hit women wearing revealing clothing. Even when Echo (FMC) puts on a business suit, it's short enough that I'm surprised her butt didn't hang out.

Despite all that though, I loved it and will watch it again (as much as it kills me to miss Flashpoint!). If the next episode doesn't have something more to hold my interest though, that's it.

I have to say I was so hoping for something that grabbed hold of me and pulled me in like Firefly did, but no such luck. Am just keeping my fingers crossed that it improves.

A New Haircut

2009-02-11T23:46:00.003-05:00

Here it is. My friend Sara cut it for me tonight. It's her first ever haircut (not counting trimming her hubby and sons). I love it. Short and comfortable :)

Things Are Looking Up

2009-02-10T08:20:00.002-05:00

I am feeling 100% better after that ranting :)

Well that and speaking to the child support office. See if turns out that EE broke the law to get child support. Not only did he give them my wrong address and phone number (he gave them Cheyenne even though I was already back here), but he had to provide documentation of how much I earn. And guess what? He provided documents from a year ago!!

So not only can i get my lawyer to get the child support, but depending on what the judge wants to do, he could go to jail for perjury.

Sometimes the justice that happens when you least expect it is great!

Ranting Ahead

2009-02-07T12:02:00.003-05:00

I haven't blogged for a few days because the you-know-what has been busy hitting the fan (why do I feel vaguely like someone in HP's world talking about the big, bad Voldemort?) and I just haven't had the time. So today's post is going to be a good, old-fashioned, cathartic rant :)

For those of you that don't know what's been going on in my life for the past couple of years, I'll do a brief history lesson for you. For those of you who do know, tough, you can deal with the recap.

In April 2007, my (then) husband of 10 years and I legally separated. I (quite stupidly and naively) trusted him and thought we would work together to make the divorce as easy and painless on everyone as possible. For the majority of those 10 years, I had been a SAHM and, with no college degree, I didn't see how I could take care of the kids all by myself.

So we went to a lawyer (that he paid for) and she had drawn up a separation agreement. I didn't understand all the legalese and took their explanations for everything at face value, including the fact that a legal separation agreement was necessary.

They lied their asses off.

What they told me was agreeing to let him live in the house with the kids until I could get my feet under me was really me signing the house over to him free and clear. And other misrepresentations like that.

So move forward to July 2008. I had spent over a year job hunting and only gotten one interview in which I was told I wasn't money-hungry enough for the job. I had sent resumes/applications to neighboring places too - DC, Philly, tons of places in VA. No luck. At that point I decided to look farther afield.

I knew that rents and living expenses were cheaper out west, so I centered my job hunting out there. Far from ideal because it would put me so far from my kids, but if I could get a decent job and low living expenses, I could save money to be able to come back and have my kids live with me again.

I had a job lined up and started the day after I arrived in Cheyenne, WY. Living and working at a guest ranch. Within a week I was let go for 4 reasons that the owner stated to me: 1) I'm a divorced woman and they carry too much emotional baggage to be stable employees; 2) I "abandoned" my kids (I could see why he thought that, but it was far from the truth); 3) I was a smoker (despite the fact that all the men smoked); and 4) I only had one hand and he didn't think I'd be able to keep up with the work.

Fired, just like that.

So I headed into Cheyenne and checked into the KOA campground, pitched my tent and started job hunting again. At that point I had $250. Within a week I got lucky. Kelly Services found me a long term position.

Things went great until I was slipped a date rape drug and raped by 5 men. I couldn't stay there after that.

I moved from town to town, slowly making my way back east so I could be near my kids again, hoping that I would be able to find a job this time. I got back here in late September and spent the first month living in my car and trying everywhere for a job.

Right now I am living with an old friend, sleeping on her couch and seeing my kids on the weekends.

Okay, that's the short wrap up of the two years. Now for what's been going on the past few days.

On Thursday I was talking to EE (that's Evil Ex for those not in the know) and he informed me that our divorce has been legal since the end of October. All this time I thought we were just separated. I knew there had been a court date for the beginning of October. I received the notice while living in Cheyenne and called EE to ask him about it (at this point I still stupidly trusted him to play fair). He said it was nothing important and I didn't need to be there.

So when I came back I had already forgotten all about it. Instead that was very important. Not only did the divorce get finalized with him getting custody and me getting visitation at his discretion, but I'm supposed to be paying child support (including back support) to him when I don't work and he has a steady job and earns close to $100k a year!!

WTF?

Not to mention I have yet to see a copy of the divorce agreement.

According to MD law, I can be sent to jail for not paying the child support. I can also be sent to jail because I haven't had car insurance for the past 3.5 months and didn't even know it.

I'm talking to a lawyer, but he says he can only give me a free consultation, but can't actually be my lawyer unless I pay him. Which I can't do.

Basically I'm up the proverbial creek without a paddle and now he's threatening to not let me see the kids again.

So with all this going on, if I don't post for a while, don't be surprised.

Today's Plan

2009-02-04T07:38:00.006-05:00

I have been very lazy about posting here. But it's been one of those weeks. You know the kind - You're busy every second, yet nothing seems to get done.

Yep. That picture right there is how I've felt. I would like nothing better than to curl up and sleep for the next 24 hours.

Not going to happen, but a girl can dream, right?

What I think I'm actually going to do today is:

1) Send out some more resumes (*whimpers* I hate job hunting!)

2) Work for 1 hour on chapter 5 rewrite of CS (awesome idea popped into my head last night, so it should flow)

3) Go to the bookstore, hide out and read all day!!

Yep, so that's the plan. But when have plans ever worked the way they should?

I'm A Siren

2009-01-31T13:26:00.003-05:00

What Mythical Creature are you? Your Result: Siren Beautiful, vengeful, and slightly manipulative, is what a siren is. Sirens are known for luring sailors in with their beautiful song, and then destroying them. Although manipulative, sirens cannot help their power, and need to make love to a human in order to become immortal. Sirens are often doomed in love and find themselves becoming bitter by neglect or abuse. Sirens are very powerful creatures, but execute exact and beautiful revenge.
Nymph
Elf
Vampire
Werewolf
What Mythical Creature are you? Quiz Created on GoToQuiz

I saw this quiz over on Laughing Wolf's blog and had to take it. I was quite surprised by the results. A siren? Me?

Personally I think the quiz is defective because I truly don't qualify as a siren. According to mythology, sirens are these gorgeous, seductive women (and didn't they have awesome singing voices?) who lure men to them with ease. Definitely not me. Though I will admit to exacting some terrific revenge in my time.

I mean, c'mon! I can't even get a date! Still, it was fun taking it. Thanks, Laughing Wolf :)

Nothing

2009-01-30T10:55:00.002-05:00

I think the title of the post says it all. Except for job hunting (which seems to be going nowhere), nothing is going on in my life right now. I seem to be in this sort of holding pattern and am waiting for something to break.

So instead of babbling about me as I usually do, I'll badger you all with questions. (Yes, I'll give you my answers too.)

1) Who is the favorite person in your family?
For most people this is a difficult question to answer (parents, kids are not included in the equation because it's really mean to try to make parents choose). For me, not so much. In fact, for me it's really easy - my brother. There used to be 2, but my grandmother died while I was pregnant with my younger son.

2) If you could live anywhere in the world, where would you pick?
This is an easy one for me too - the backwoods of Vermont. I spent half of my childhood there and positively love it. The isolation, the weather, the brutally honest (but helpful) people. See, I do come by it naturally :)

3) If you could meet anyone, who would it be and why?
Totally shallow, but Johnny Depp. I have hopelessly lusted after the man since my teen years and love his acting.

4) You get a free round-trip ticket to anywhere in the world, where would you go?
Alaska, for a few months. I want to see it in both extremes - 90F summers and -40F winters (that's 32C and -40C to anyone using that type of temp measurement). And I want to stand in that spot where you can look across and see Russia.

5) Have you ever dreamt your own death? How did you die, if so?
I have. I always drown. No matter the circumstances of the dream, I end up drowning. Even when I'm standing there facing a gun or am trapped in a burning building, I still end up drowning. It's really weird.

I look forward to reading everyone's answers.

I Can't Wait!

2009-01-28T15:13:00.003-05:00

I really can't. This weekend I see my kids again for the first time in 2 weeks. They've been on vacation with their dad in Ocean City, MD, and I've missed them like crazy!

Instead, for the past 2 weeks, I've had to put up with my roomie's kids, who truly make me appreciate how well-behaved and wonderful mine are :)

Her kids do nothing but complain and whine and ignore their mother. They behave better for me (as long as she's not there), but even then, I am horrified by their behavior. They are violent and rude and nasty.

In short, they are mini-her. Exactly like her - tone, attitude, laziness.

The 8 year old maybe, just maybe, does homework once a week. The rest of the time he pitches such a fit that his mom "doesn't want to deal with it". So she lets him do nothing but play computer and watch tv.

Her 3 year old barely speaks because he doesn't need to. All he has to do is point and scream and she gives him whatever he wants.

Discipline is almost nonexistent and highly unpredictable. One day running in the house gets them a smack on the butt and a 10 minute time out. The next, she laughs and runs with them. There is zero consistency.

She yells and curses at them and never speaks in a normal tone of voice.

Yeah, I really can't wait to jave my kids back.

Fishers of Men? Or Fish?

2009-01-25T21:28:00.003-05:00

(clockwise from the striped shirt)

Elder Navarro, Elder Harrison, Elder Crandell, Elder Clark, J and R

The other day I mooched another meal at Sara and Nate's house (major thanks, guys!!). Their oldest son, J, had just gotten this adorable fishing game. After dinner, he insisted that the Elders play. So here they are (Sara sneaked the pix).

Elders Harrison and Crandell are the two who have been working with me. They've been absolutely awesome when it comes to answering all my questions, so I want to give them both a huge shout of thanks (even though I doubt they'll ever read this blog :D)

Here are the other 2 pix she got that night:

And he caught one!

Murder and Mayhem

2009-01-25T08:01:00.004-05:00

Once again I feel like committing mass murder.

Well, really just four. Does that count as mass murder if they're all done at the same time? Regardless, it's not a good way to start a Sunday.

But then again, neither is being woken up at 5:15 a.m. by a herd of T. Rexes running around in the hall. Nope, wait a minute; it's children. My roommate's children. Does anyone see anything wrong with this?

1) It's SUNDAY! They are supposed to let us sleep in until 7:30.

2) How the hell do a 3 year old and an 8 year old make so much noise?? I can't even make that much noise! And I'm almost 4 times as heavy as the 8 year old (yes, he's very small for his age).

As if that weren't enough to get my day off to a riproaring start, the 3 year old locked me in the room. Not with a regular doorknob lock that I could have either picked or removed with my Swiss Army knife. No! That would have been way too easy. And there's no doorknob on the door.

So how does he lock me in? Well . . . You know that hole in the door where the knob is supposed to go? And the hole in the doorjamb where the lock clicks into place?

Just imagine how difficult it is to remove an itty-bitty block from there. Not too small, because it blocked the door from opening, but too small for any adult's fingers to pull it out. Only the kid could free me, and guess what?

*nods*

You got it. He refused.

So how does this get to be from killing just the two kids to killing 4 people? Well, I have to add in the kids' grandpa because of his ^&%*&^$*%& alarm clock. Why the man can't turn it off on Sundays, I don't know, but I don't appreciate hearing it and being woken up by it, while he sleeps right through it and me banging on the wall and door.

Then of course we have the kids' mother. My *gag* darling roommate *b###h*. The woman who does no disciplining of her kids except to yell, curse and spank. Discipline (in my mind) is supposed to teach the child that 1) what they are doing is wrong, and 2) there are consequences for every action.

One of her rules is no running in the house. Do you want to know how many times that rule was broken this morning? Actually, I'm not even sure I can count that high.

I don't even think I can go on with my rant. It's taking too much energy that I don't have.

The Good, The Bad and The Ugly

2009-01-24T01:03:00.010-05:00

Which should I start with? Depressing or exciting?

I vote for depressing so we get it out of the way. That's how I prefer things. Then at the end will be th exciting stuff so we leave on a high note.

My friend Glam has done some interesting posts the past couple of days. And, for me at least, they tie together. The first post was about melancholy. I wrote a response saying that I really don't suffer from it. That's not a lie.

But . . .

I have had short periods of deep depression before. There are three in particular that stand out in my mind and that is where it connects with her other post - favorite movie.

The Crow is my absolutely favorite movie of all time. I love others a lot, but to me, they will never come close to this one because of the sentiment attached to the movie.

The day the movie came out (midnight showing on May 11, 1994) was one of those lowest points in my life.

For weeks I'd been eager to see the movie. The fact that Brandon Lee had accidentally died during the filming held an extra morbid fascination for me. So my friend and I got tickets for the midnight show.

However, 9 days before I found out I was pregnant. Four days before the premier, my boyfriend found out and beat me until I lost the baby.

I was devestated and honestly wanted to die. But as friends are wont to do, as I sat on my bed trying to decide the best way to off myself, my buddy came to pick me up for the movie. He would not take no for an answer.

I have never been so glad to see a movie in my life.

I don't even know how to explain how it made me feel, but it was almost like Eric Draven died in my place that night so I didn't have to. (Probably sounds completely ridiculous to you all, but not to me.)

Now, whenever I feel down (and often when I don't), I watch The Crow and it never fails to make me feel better.

Also one of my favorite quotes is from the movie: Mother is the name for God on the lips and hearts of all children. It says so much about the responsibility a parent bears.

Enough depressing stuff :D Here we go to the good news.

For those of you who don't know me, I started attending church a few months ago (LDS church which is also known as Mormon). In less than a month, I'll be getting baptized and meeting a couple of friends from Critique Circle who are coming to witness it.

Shall be great fun :D

Everyone Shivers In The Cold . . .

2009-01-22T15:47:00.002-05:00

. . . except me! Why is that?

At first, when I moved south (Mexican desert then Miami, FL), I assumed it was because I'd been born and raised in the north. It made sense. That whole thicker blood thing.

But now that I've lived in Maryland for the past 12 or so years, I have to disagree. Too many people in the area come from truly cold states, and they can't seem to handle anything below 40F either.

To me, anything over freezing calls for shorts (or capris) and t-shirt. Only when it gets below freezing that I start with the layering. I'm convinced that's why everyone else actually feels the cold. They don't know how to layer their clothes, and forget to remove layers while inside.

First (obviously!) comes bra and underwear. Over that goes long johns (if you need them). Personally, I only think you need long johns when you're camping in subzero weather. Then is a tank top and tights if your legs are cold. Over the tank can go either a long sleeved shirt (my preference is a turtleneck) or a long sleeve over a short sleeve. A flannel on top of that and a pair of stretchy exercise pants on your legs. Then either a sweater or a sweatshirt and jeans or sweatpants.

Throw a coat over it all with hat and gloves, and you'll be as toasty as . . . well, toast.

But I absolutely love the cold. I think it goes back to being raised on one of my mother's sayings. "Cold weather is better than hot because where you can only take so many clothes off (before you get arrested), you can always put more on." Whatever the reason, I love the cold and cold weather activities. Cross-country skiing, ice skating, sledding, curling up in front of a fire with a good book. None of them can be done in the summer.

In fact, the only thing I like about summer is swimming and that can also be done in winter (indoor heated pool!!). So I see no reason for summer to exist at all!

Random

2009-01-17T01:00:00.002-05:00

This really has nothing to do with anything. No connection to me other than my mom sent me the link, but I cried reading this article.

It's things like this that both warm and break my heart. They inspire me to be a more caring, giving person. And they always seem to show up right when you need most to be reassured of the kindness and generosity that people are capable of.

Read the story here.

Sorry It's Been Over a Week

2009-01-16T00:20:00.003-05:00

I've been quite busy. Unfortunately not so much with writing. But I will be playing catch up this coming week. I'll let you know how i do.

I spent the past couple of days with a friend from church who is an awesome painter! Check out the pictures she has on her blog if you don't believe me. Together with a fellow artist and friend, she is starting an in-house gallery (open to the public) and an art school for children and adults.

I went to the LDS temple in DC tonight, and it was a fairly intense experience (to say the least). I am extremely glad I went, so a big thank you to the bishop and missionaries who took me. I'd recommend it to everyone. Not necessarily the DC temple, but visiting whatever temple is nearest you. Even if you're not LDS, it's an awe-inspiring experience.

A couple of days ago, I went to the bookstore. I hate stopping in the middle of reading the series when I know there are more books out, so I went searching for Eclipse (book 3 of the Twilight series). Not to buy, but just to sit at the bookstore and read for a couple of hours.

There aren't any. They have (at both Borders and B&N) books 1, 2 & 4 but no 3. I refuse to read the last 2 out of order. That is sooo not happening, but now I'm stuck in the middle of the series with nowhere to turn. Depressing.

Aw well. I guess that's pretty much the update on me.

Wednesday Update

2009-01-07T22:04:00.002-05:00

I just wanted to thank everyone for their prayers for my roommate and her family. The family truly appreciates it.

Of course, as if a death in the family isn't enough, we just spent the past 5 hours at the hospital. I got to work at 4 p.m. and had to leave at 5 p.m. to pick my roomie and her kids up to take them there. The youngest (not quite 3 years old) had been trying to climb onto the top bunk, slipped from the ladder and fell to the ground. He lost consciousness for a few minutes and his lower right arm was at a 90 degree angle.

I still can't believe it took that long for them to get an orthopedist in there to do the cast! The x-rays were done within half an hour. The ER doc just couldn't get hold of any of the on-call orthos. He had to call 17 different doctors before he found one that answered his phone!

Grr!!

Please Help

2009-01-03T23:07:00.002-05:00

I'd like to put a request to everyone. I know you've heard me complain about my roomie A LOT, but she needs help right now. Her grandfather had a heart attack and is in a coma. The doctors don't think he'll come out of it.

It's especially rough because they haven't spoken in 3 years due to her step-grandmother who disapproved of the fact that she had a child with a black man. She feels really guilty for cutting him completely out of her life.

If you would pray for them - him to heal physically and her mentally - it would mean a lot to me.

Thanks.

A Book Recommendation

2009-01-02T00:25:00.003-05:00

There is one book I must recommend to everyone with kids. It is the best children's book I have ever read. To the point where my family owns 5 copies (1 for each child) and I have given a copy to each of my children's teachers over the years.

It discusses all the everyday things a child must do that take courage. Not the big, rush-into-a-burning-building-to-save-someone courage, but the steady courage that it takes to become your own person.

This book has helped my kids not buckle under to peer pressure - be it drugs, drinking, prejudice. I think Bernard Waber deserves a major thumbs up for this book of his.

What made me think of this now? A phone call from a 16 year old boy asking to borrow a copy because he "needed to remember".

What To Do?

2009-01-01T10:37:00.002-05:00

I actually have the house to myself for a few hours, am completely rested (10 hours of sleep each of the past two nights) and am not sure what to do.

My logical brain tells me to write. I need to. I really want to finish the rewrite of CS sometime in the foreseeable future, but I want to watch a movie and goof off. I feel like I've been unbelievably stressed lately (hence the nightly migraines that have me crying myswelf to sleep) and just want a chance to unwind and not think about anything. No job, apartment search, kids, money.

But writing doesn't actually stress me. Usually it relaxes me. Editing on the other hand is something I despise. And that's where CS is at right now.

I had a great time on Tuesday with my kids. They got here around 9 a.m. We spent almost the entire day playing outside. Arouns 4 p.m. we headed out for a walk around the neighborhood and down to the bay. Passed by this gorgeous house (used to be a boarding school) that's surrounded by a 6 foot fence. Behind the fence were 5 large, snarling, growling, foaming at the mouth boxers. One of them got his front legs over the top of the fence as we were walking by. We RAN!

I don't think I've ever been so scared in my life. Not for me. I've been attacked by animals before, but for the kids. I had 6 kids with me, ages 2-11. The older ones could run pretty fast, but the younger ones, nope. So there I was with a 2 year old under one arm and a 6 year old under the other, struggling to run and get out of range of those nasty dogs that I called Animal Control on.

Sorry, but if you are going to have dogs that will attack and can jump, you need a higher fence, The one they had just wasn't cutting it.

The rest of the day was quite uneventful, but the kids talked about our "narrow escape" for hours. And of course, the story grew with each retelling. By the time they went back to their dad's house, I think there were 11 dogs that had jumped a 10 foot fence and chased us for 3 streets.

Oh well, it gives them something cool to tell their classmates when they go back to school on Monday.

Exhaustion Rules

2008-12-29T19:57:00.002-05:00

It's only 8 p.m. and I wish I were in bed. For those who don't know me well, that is weird! I'm a night owl by nature and usually go to bed between midnight and 4 a.m. But the kids are driving me nuts, my roomie is driving me nuts and I have a headache (courtesy of said kids and roomie).

I would give my right arm (which happens to be the only one I've got) for an hour long bubble bath without a single disruption. It's been such a long day. Before noon, I had done the dishes, 2 loads of laundry, swept and scrubbed the kitchen floor, scrubbed the two bathrooms, and cleaned and vacuumed the living room and the two kids' rooms. Then it was running errands, watching the kids outside and making dinner. So I'm exhausted :(

My kids will be here tomorrow. Thank God! Every time I spend an excessive amount of time with my roomie's kids, I appreciate mine all the more. They are good - comparatively.

Oh well. I'll be better after a good night's sleep.

The Holidays Are Here.

2008-12-24T18:42:00.002-05:00

Yikes! It's been a while, hasn't it?

In my defense, it is the holidays, and I do have 5 kids and work and a PITA roomie who won't let me use the computer.

That's okay though. It's Christmas, so all's forgiven. Even my mom. I finally called her last night and told her that what we're doing is ridiculous. Families should never get to the point where they don't speak. So now we're at least back on polite terms.

Ben's birthday was last week. I think he had fun. EE's gf was sick, so all the kids came over here for the day instead of me going over there. We went to church, then to lunch at the restaurant where I work, then to Wal-Mart to pick out a present for them to give their dad and his gf. A popcorn popper, a BIG container of corn to pop and a few toppings. All for under $30.00. Man I love Wal-Mart when I need cheap! Then we went home and had ice cream cake.

Last night the kids came over for the night and left at 4:30 this afternoon. Santa came last night and we did Christmas a day early. They didn't mind. They actually got a kick out of having Christmas two days in a row. Their presents were a big hit even though they each only got 3 from me.

Ben - a construction set, some Matchbox cars and a stuffed animal from Planet Earth (where they give almost half the cost to protect endangered animals)

Micah - a mini digital camera, a jewelry making kit and some bracelets

Brett - birdwatching binoculars (he has a birdwatching competition in May in NJ), a basketball and some Matchbox cars

And that's not including the DVDs from Santa. They got me some books (YAY!!!) and a new winter coat.

All in all, a very good Christmas.

Me Stuff

2008-12-10T14:37:00.002-05:00

We're celebrating Ben's 9th birthday on Sunday afternoon, even though his actual b-day is Monday the 15th. I hope it'll be fun. I know he's excited for it. But it means another day spent with EE and his gf. Not exactly my idea of a fun time.

Oh well. I'll just have to grit my teeth and bear it.

Writing (or more to the point, editing) is coming in spurts lately. None long enough to actually finish a chapter in :P But CS is coming along. I'm writing a new chapter 3 right now to insert (without removing any of the original chapters).

I'm still going through my movie watching kick (all young adult movies) and last night I watched The Seeker. Sounded really fun. Fell way short of my expectations. It felt like they originally made a 5 hour long movie that was good and made sense and progressed in a logical fashion. Then they chopped it up to make it less than 2 hours, and in the process, the movie turned into a piece of crap that's impossible to follow along with. Grrr!

Work is going all right for the most part. There is one woman there who is just a vile, nasty old woman. She is just hateful, and I guarantee that in any other business environment, she would have been fired already. The first time I worked with her, she told me that "I don't need the help of a handicapped person."

Another one of my coworkers is a woman from the Philippines who has lived in the US since she was 4. She is a legal, naturalized citizen. This woman told her to "Go back to your own country."

It takes all I have not to haul off and deck her every time I work with her. And I'm stuck with her again this afternoon.

Speaking of which, must get ready.

Sorry!

2008-12-09T13:07:00.006-05:00

I didn't really mean to be a bad blogger. Just, sometimes, I get caught up. Between writing, work and RL, sometimes I'm surprised that my head is still attached to my body.

One thing I've been doing a lot of lately is watching movies. And I have a question. Doesn't anyone know how to be original anymore? How to rebel against conformity? Why does every single person have to have the same haircut? (Sorry, that was more than one question.) Check these photos out.

Am I hallucinating, or are these boys (and almost every other one I've seen) interchangeable? It's truly sad. And the girls are no better. Although, for some reason, the girls tend to have more of a variety in their hair color.

*shudders*

It's like we've all become freaky Stepford people. Gack! Scary thought.

These kids need to learn how to be themselves. Question is who's going to teach them.?

Late Night Ramblings

2008-12-04T01:47:00.000-05:00

You know, most of the time I love being a night owl. Going to bed as the sun rises and sleeping through most of the day suits me.

But not when I don't have a computer that I can actually write on. All my files are on the other comp (which happens to be in a kid's bedroom, and he's asleep with school in the morning) so I can't do any writing at night anymore :'( I am living for the day my laptop works again.

As of right now, I have had 5 people in the past 2 months promise to send me the discs I need to get it up and running. I have received 0. I know there are money issues, time issues, RL issues, but I'm feeling very selfish about this. I want my laptop back!! I want to be able to write at any time of day, not when I'm told I can. I want to be able to curl up under my blankie in my jammies and write, not be dressed at a table.

Grrr!!!

On a different note, I'm praying that those 2 tires I still need to replace will last a few more weeks. And that EE will be willing to do the driving until they are. I don't feel safe driving the 45 miles to pick the kids up and 45 miles back with 2 tires that are so bald you can see the metal threads poking through. Worst part is, if EE won't drive, I'm going to have to go weeks without seeing them. Not something I'm looking forward to, but I won't jeopardize their lives.

I don't know how many of you read Nora Roberts, but the last book in her latest trilogy came out right before Thanksgiving - The Pagan Stone. Quite good. Not my favorite of the trilogy (which is weird since the two MCs are my favorite of the 6), but very good nonetheless.

Well, right now I'm bored and think I'll go watch either some Mutant X or some Highlander (I wish I had seasons 3-6 because I adore Methos) on dvd.

Post-Turkey Day Blues

2008-12-02T10:59:00.000-05:00

Thanksgiving went well. Slightly awkward considering it was me, the kids, the ex-hubby and his gf. Only for the first bit though. Then it was just play and eat.

After, the kids came home to spend the night with me. It was so much fun. Brett has learned how to weave bracelets and necklaces in the Natitve American tradition. He's making one for me for Christmas :)

Ben stunned us all by making Honor Roll at school! He has had so many problems for so long, and teachers who just didn't care. This just goes to show what can happen when the child receives support from everyone in his life - all A's and B's!! I could not be prouder.

Micah is having a really hard time at the moment. None of my relatives call the kids anymore, so she feels like she's been completely cut out of the family. And I'm sick of making excuses for them when she asks questions like, "Doesn't Grammie and Grandpa love me anymore?" The truth is their love is 100% conditional and if you don't conform, you no longer belong. I refused to conform, but I never thought it would spill over onto my kids. I guess my folks think I infected them with the spirit of individuality.

Oops! That's right. I did :D And it will serve them well in the future.

But I'm well rid of them all. Did you know that in the past 18 years (since I left home), neither of my sisters has ever called me without me calling first and leaving a message? They have never called for my birthday, my kids' birthdays or holidays. Yet I called them for every birthday - even if they weren't there. Called them every holiday too.

After being the only one to put forth any effort for 18 years, I'm done. Yesterday was my little sister's 30th birthday. I skipped it. No e-card. No real card. Only tried calling once. I did not call on Thanksgiving and I refuse to call on Christmas.

Fact of the matter is, as soon as they realized that my personality was so in opposition to theirs, they should never have adopted me. They knew all the way back then that I was one to blindly obey anything they said or believe anything they said just because they were the ones who said it. Not my way - even way back then. So why did they?

The only answer I ever got from them was that my mom fell in love with my red hair. Some endorsement, huh?

Ok, I'm done brooding now. Back to writing.

Happy Turkey Day!!

2008-11-27T10:42:00.000-05:00

Thanksgiving is finally here. It's shameful to me how rarely people actually use this one day a year to sit and reflect on what they have to be thankful for. Even if you don't live in the U.S., it doesn't hurt to spend on day being grateful for all your blessings.

My thankful list is very basic this year, but still rather full.

1) I'm thankful that I have 5 healthy, (relatively) happy children.
2) I'm thankful that I have a roof over my head, a bed to sleep in and food to eat.
3)I'm thankful for my brother and my friends for always being there for me.
4) I'm thankful that I have a job and my writing.
5) I'm thankful for my health.

What sort of things are you guys thankful for this year?

On CC, for the past few months, the big saying has been "Shiny" (pilfered from Firefly). Today I was looking through the theme tab on gmail and found a design labeled shiny! I like it and put it as my background.

I leave in about an hour to have dinner with the kids (I think I'm going to ignore the other two people at the table). Should be a great deal of fun. I just hope my tires last the trip there and back.

Thanksgiving Day recipe

2008-11-25T15:14:00.001-05:00

I know with the holidays approaching, our ovens are geared toward the traditional foods. That's fine. After all, they are yummy! Especially the sweet potatoes and the pies.

But I wanted to give you a recipe that I love to make and that my kids love to eat. It's a sweet, dark bread that was the first non-white bread my kids ever ate without complaining the whole time.

INGREDIENTS
1/2 cup water
1/4 cup cornmeal
2 tablespoons butter
1/2 cup molasses
1 (.25 ounce) package active dry yeast
1/2 cup warm
water (110 degrees F)
3 cups all-purpose flour, divided
1 teaspoon salt

DIRECTIONS
Place 1/2 cup water and cornmeal in a small saucepan.
Bring to a boil over medium heat, stirring occasionally. Cook until mixture thickens; about 5 minutes. Remove from heat and stir in the butter or margarine and molasses. Let cool to lukewarm.
In a small mixing bowl, dissolve yeast in 1/2 cup warm water. Let sit until creamy; about 10 minutes.
In a large mixing bowl, combine the cooled cornmeal mixture with the yeast mixture; stir until well blended. Add 2 cups of the flour and the salt; mix well. Add the
remaining flour, 1/2 cup at a time, stirring well after each addition. When the
dough has pulled together, turn it out onto a lightly floured surface and knead
until smooth and elastic, about 8 minutes.
Lightly oil a large mixing bowl, place the dough in the bowl and turn to coat with oil. Cover with a damp cloth and put in a warm place to rise until doubled in volume, about 1 hour.
Preheat oven to 375 degrees F (190 degrees C).
Deflate the dough and turn it out onto a lightly floured surface and form into a loaf. Place the loaf in a lightly greased 9x5 inch loaf pan. Cover with a damp cloth and let rise until doubled in volume, about 40 minutes.
Bake at 375 degrees F (190 degrees C) for about 30 minutes or until the top is golden brown and the bottom of the loaf sounds hollow when tapped

It's delicious and makes a wonderful appetizer for the Thanksgiving feast. If you get the chance to try it, let me know how it turns out.

My job (as always) for Thanksgiving dinner is to make the pies. Guess what? They aren't getting from scratch this year. I just don't have the time. So I will by pre-made filling and crusts, and cheat. They'll survive.

Good-byes and the Holidays

2008-11-23T20:24:00.000-05:00

The kids went back to their dad's house this afternoon. He threw his back out, so I had to drive them. I don't mind, but it makes the good-byes so drawn out. They start whining and begging to stay with me. It's really hard.

No work until Wednesday, so I have two and a half more days of nothing. I really want to be able to sleep in and write, but I doubt I'll get much of that done.

I'm trying to figure out X-mas presents for them. Things are going to be pretty sparse this year, I can tell you that much. And Ben's birthday is 10 days before X-mas. Real fun when you have no money. I think Goodwill is going to be getting my business this year.

Thanksgiving is going to be . . . awkward this year. With EE living with his gf, I really don't want to go spend the day at there house. But I want to spend the holiday with the kids, and they keep begging me to come, so I'll have to make the best of it.

I really hope that I don't have to repeat the experience on X-mas though.

Kids - Curse Or Blessing?

2008-11-22T18:09:00.000-05:00

Don't get me wrong, I love my kids with all my heart. But sometimes they drive me nuts. Especially when they haven't seen me in a while. Right now they are so clingy that I can't even leave the room to go to the bathroom by myself :'(

I know the divorce is extremely hard on them, but I need to be able to go pee without 3 kids crowding in the bathroom with me. Argh!!!

Yipee!!

2008-11-21T11:41:00.000-05:00

YAY!! It's snowing! I'm so happy :)

Even though I'm an adult, when the first snow arrives, I am a kid again. I want to throw on hat, mittens and coat and go play. Stick out my tongue and tilt my head back to catch the flakes before they hit the ground. Skating, sledding, cross-country skiing - most of the best sports require snow (or at least the cold).

To me, nothing is as beautiful as a tree completely bare of leaves, with ice and snow covering the barren branches, the sunlight glistening off of them. The cold never feels quite so bitter when there is snow on the ground. Sounds are muffled.

I don't know if I've always loved winter best, but every time the snow comes down, I remember something my mom always used to say, "Winter is better than summer because whereas you can only take just so many clothes off, you can always put more on." It's very true.

I go pick up the kids tomorrow and hope that the white stuff won't disappear before then. The kids and I want to go to the park and build snowmen :)

Wednesdays Are Called Hump Day For a Reason

2008-11-19T23:41:00.000-05:00

Well, I started a second blog today, one devoted solely to my writing (or lack thereof lately) - http://countdown-to-publication.blogspot.com/ Feel free to check it out. This one will be just personal nonsense from now on.

I finally got my Thanksgiving plans sorted out. Originally (like back in July), Maria and EE invited me to spend the day at their house so that none of us will be kidless for the holiday. Can we say uncomfortable? But I agreed because it was very nice of them to offer and because, at the time, I was homeless with no hope of my circumstances changing.

Then 2 weeks ago, Micah (6 yr old) informed me that the offer had been withdrawn. I had no clue if it was the truth or not. EE never mentioned anything one way or the other, so I planned on spending the day alone. Yesterday I get an email from him asking if he should count me in for the dinner headcount.

ARGH!!!

Why can't things be easy?

Added to that, EE asked me the other day what kind of church I've been taking the kids to. I told him - Mormon. To say he flipped out is putting it very mildly.

But I reminded him of the separation agreement (totally equal joint custody). At the moment, I am only able to see the kids on weekends, so he can live with it. I did politely tell him that if he wanted them exposed to a different religion (his family is Catholic), then we could trade Sunday mornings. That's fair to my mind. EE didn't think so.

Also started working out again today. It felt so good.

I guess that's everything for the moment. Ttyl.

Revised Schedule

2008-11-18T15:17:00.000-05:00

I put a little time aside today and reworked my writing scedule for the next year. It's much less insane than the earlier one.

From now until December 31 I am rewriting CASSANDRA'S SECRETS.
From January 1 to February 14 I will finish the first draft of THE DEMON PRIEST (No, Merc, I haven't dropped it entirely.)
From February 15 to March 31 I will finish the first draft of ABSOLUTELY LIVID
From April 1 to April 30 I am rewriting TWIN MAGIC
From May 1 to June 30 I will finish the first draft of REVENGE IS SWEET
From July 1 to August 15 I will finish the first draft of A DAY WITH DEATH
From August 16 to October 31 I will finish the first draft of BRITERRA.

So if all goes according to plan (which it never does), I will have 5 finished first drafts and 2 edited novels by NaNoWriMo 2009.

The Waiting Game

2008-11-15T14:52:00.000-05:00

I have now submitted A MOTHER'S BEST to 10 different magazines. It's the best it can be (I think!). If I'd kept at it more, I would have gotten paranoid. Now I just have to wait for responses.

What to do to keep myself from going insane waiting? That's the question. Normally the answer at this time of year would be NaNoWriMo, but I have such limited computer time that my poor nano project hasn't even reached 3k.

Another short is probably the answer. I just need to figure out what I want to do one on.

Most importantly I need to stay motivated. Life has gotten me so down lately that when I do sit down at the computer, each word is a struggle. My brain shuts down.

I have so many projects on hold that I am beginning to feel overwhelmed. CASSANDRA'S SECRETS needs to be rewritten. So does TWIN MAGIC. THE DEMON PRIEST is stalled on chapter 4. ABSOLUTELY LIVID on chapter 6. REVENGE IS SWEET is stuck on chapter 4 as well. Grrrr!

But until I get my own place, or at least my laptop working again, none of it is going to happen. And that PISSES me off!!

Time Flies

2008-11-13T22:38:00.000-05:00

It's amazing how quickly time passes sometimes.

There has been so much good and bad in the last month and a half, I don't even know where to begin.

Plus side:
1) Have a job
2) Have a roof over my head
3) Have steady meals
4) Have 99% quit smoking
5) Have found a church that I like and feel at home at
6) Have seen my kids regularly

Not a bad plus list. Problem is that the negative side is just as impressive.

1) Rooming with my friend is rapidly destroying our friendship (on my side at least)
2) Found out I was pregnant
3) Had a miscarriage (it was twins)

Not as long a list, but very upsetting. My writing goals have gone completely down the toilet since I don't have a comp of my own to use anymore (need to get the install disc for mine). And I haven't slept in 53 hours, so I'm generally cranky.

Right now, I'm writing when I can (usually 1/2 an hour a day) and searching for a better job. Once I have that, I can look for a place of my own.

Feeling Better

2008-10-05T17:30:00.000-04:00

I am, truly. Mentally and physically. I've had a couple of full meals lately (one courtesy of my big brother and the other of a coworker), so my stomach feels much better. I managed to make a contribution to my kids' care (not a big one, but still). I took all the left over loaves of bread home the other night and gave them to EE as sandwich bread for lunch. It gets expensive when you're making daily lunches or 6 kids. I finally finished the rewrite of A Mother's Best. It'll be up for critique on CC this week, and I fully expect shredding :)

Although I haven't gotten as far on my OctNaNo (The Demon Priest) as I'd planned, my slate is nowq clear for it and I can easily make up the 4500 words that I'm behind. I've done it before. I've also been expanding my outline for Do Over (my real NaNo project). So that's all set for November.

I spent a good portion of the day looking up places to sub AMB on Duotrope.com. Man, I love that site! It is the short story writer's gift from heaven! I now have a list of about 25 places (all accept simultaneous subs) to send it to.

All in all, I feel pretty good. Now if I could just get the puking to stop...

Lies

2008-09-30T22:35:00.000-04:00

Lies are kind of funny. Not haha funny, but funny nonetheless. Because no matter how well you tell them, they always come back and bite you in the butt. And sometimes you've told the lie so many times that you start to believe it yourself, so when it does return to exact revenge, you're left stunned and bleeding on the ground.

I won't deny that I've told a lot of lies in my life. Some have been to make myself feel better. Some to make others feel better. Some were told solely to hurt people.

My lies of late have fallen into the second category (this kind of connects to the post a couple of days ago). I've had so many people worried about me lately due to the crap my life is going through, that I've started lying, hoping they won't feel so guilty that they aren't in a position where they can help me.

Problem is I know I can't keep it up. Not only do I feel guilty, but I literally don't have the emotional strength to keep doing it.

Right now I am so physically and emotionally worn down, that I'm surprised I haven't had a total breakdown. Between traffic, weather and police, I'm barely sleeping. In the past 2 weeks, I've only had 1 meal. I get a few slices of bread a day and that's it. I've chewed my nails down to bloody nubs just so I have something in my stomach as I'm falling asleep. Doesn't really help though, so I don't recommend it.

Tomorrow I start work. I won't get a paycheck for another 2 weeks. I can't eat the bread samples while I'm working, and it turns out that we don't eat free. It's just a 50% discount - which I still can't afford.

I figure if I'm lucky, I'll pass out at work, get hospitalized and get some real food in me. If it happens at work, maybe I'll get to keep my job anyway because they might feel responsible.

Whatever. I'm at the point now where I'm used to my stomach hurting nonstop. I'm used to the smell of food making me vomit because I want it so badly.

I'm going to try and sleep. Night.

Submitting

2008-09-30T14:50:00.001-04:00

Subbing a piece either for a regular call for submissions, or for a contest is a scary thing. Seriously, it is.

Here is a piece of your soul that you have poured out onto paper/computer, and you are about to take the chance that thousands of people will see it. And while you're waiting for a response, you get so twisted up inside that you don't even know what you want anymore - acceptance or rejection.

A rejection may hurt at the moment you receive it (Heck, I know some people who've cried when they received them), but you're relieved because you're safe! For just a little longer you can keep all the pieces of your soul hidden from the world.

An acceptance is even more confusing. You know you're supposed to be happy, and you are. After all, acceptance is the Holy Grail of writers. Everyone wants to be accepted because that's when you really know you're a writer. But suddenly here is a story that bares your heart, leaving it open to casual crushing by complete strangers.

So which do you hope for? I guess it all depends on how much confidence you have in yourself and your abilities. I hope I have enough, because I'm subbing two short stories this month. Here is an exerpt from one of them:

"I don't wanna go, Mommy," Dana whined. "I wanna stay with you."
Hannah knelt in front of her daughter. "You're five now and ready for
kindergarden. You want to grow smart, right? Get a good job and live in a nice house?"
The girl nodded, sniffling back her tears and swiping away her snots with the back of her sleeve. "I'm gonna make tons of money and take care of you when I grow up."
"Don't you worry about that, honey," Hannah said as the words melted her heart. "Let's find you some clothes to wear tomorrow."
Together they rifled through the stack on her bed. "They're all dirty. I won't wear them." Dana stomped her little foot on the ground. As she lifted her foot, Hannah noticed a hole in the sole. She turned around so her daughter couldn't see and checked the money in her wallet. Only six dollars left. I don't need this right now, Lord.
"C'mon, sweetie. Let's go get you some clothes and shoes for the first day of
school." Taking Dana's hand, they strolled down the street to the Goodwill
store.
Dana dug her heels in when she saw where they were. "No! I want new clothes! You said."
Hannah got a good grip on her wrist and dragged her in. "This is all we can afford. Be happy you'll have something clean to wear."

Let me know what you think.

It's easy . . .

2008-09-29T12:31:00.000-04:00

. . . to look at people and make quick judgments about them, their present and their pasts, but you'd be amazed at the pain and tears a single smile hides. - Sherrilyn Kenyon, Acheron

That statement is so accurate, especially about me. Given the option, I will always try not to burden others with the ugliness of my life. I don't know if that's just me or the way I was raised, or what. I just know that I will insist I'm fine until I've smashed (face first) into the rocks at the bottom of the pit.

It's then, as I sit there licking my own blood off my lips, that I'll reach out and ask for help. Although I think I'm getting better at letting the truth out. Still doesn't feel natural, but after a few decades, it should become second nature :D

But then you have the group of people who consider an honest answer of "My life sucks, but it's starting to improve" as whining (guilty! I tend to think this way and I am desperately trying to change).

I think for me part if it is my family. More than half of them are on antidepressants, there are times I am certain my mom is bipolar, and we were not an affectionate family growing up. Part of it is me. I don't like letting people close enough to hurt me. People always swear they won't hurt you, then Surprise! They do. So I developed a wall. That wall has shown itself in my writing too.

My friend Chelle and I were critting each others writing one day, when we got into a debate. The nutshell version - I thought her characters were whiny crybabies without a backbone to share among them. She thought mine were too full of anger and hatred.

We were both right, and both wrong. I had always done my best to dial down the AP syndrome (Angry Person) in my characters, and I had succeeded (except with Livid, but she's supposed to be over the top). Compared to the way I was before I had my kids, my characters are crybaby wimps just like I thought Chelle's were.

So we spent hours discussing what makes a person into an AP. Actually she just explained that she thought AP's were just full of hate and cared about no one. Having lived it, I tried my best to explain that that's not it at all. At the root of it is fear.

Fear of rejection, fear of pain. Anger is a shield, a crutch. Simple as that. Most people have a crutch they use to get through life. For some it's just avoidance of things and people that don't fit into their little world. For others, denial. Others turn cynical, and some use anger.

Anyway . . .

I have totally lost the original purpose of this post and begun rambling. Ttyl.

Trouble

2008-09-28T03:21:00.001-04:00

(Thanks, Bethy for the inspiration here.)

I realized something - I've become staid in my almost-middle-age. I used to have such fun and start such trouble %-)

Then I had kids.

Don't get me wrong, I don't regret them in the slightest. I just never thought that my first response to any idea would be "Is that going to set a bad example if my kids find out?"

The fact of the matter is, as a teen/young twenties, it's easy to just say yes to anything and damn the consequences. At that age - even if you've seen death up close and personal - you don't believe it'll happen to you. So you drink and drive, you go car surfing, you ride hanging out the window of the car.

My favorite was always cliff diving. The thrill of absolute terror that paralyzed your body, wondering if you aimed correctly or if you'll smash into the rocks below. I got lucky and never hit the rocks with more than a leg.

Of course I loved car surfing and speeding too. I loved anything that could possibly get me into trouble or dead (preferably both).

Sometimes I'm amazed I made it to 36 alive.

The only good things I can say about all the stupid stuff I did:
1) it was FUN!!
2) I know everything my kids think of before they do it. They're convinced it's esp. We'll just keep it a secret from them, shall we?

Boooooooored!

2008-09-28T02:00:00.000-04:00

It's 2:00 a.m. and I'm wide awake, sitting in the lobby of the Holiday Inn. I am also bored beyond belief.

Soooo, I decided to bore my readers instead. Over on CC we have Hangman (which I've played for the last hour), but it just doesn't grab the attention. It's more designed for mind-numbness. Then I decided I'd do a few crossword puzzles online. I love crosswords. There's a problem with the site so none of the down clues are showing up!

*tears out hair*

Not to mention, pretty much everyone is ASLEEP because, well, it's the middle of the night. And most of them are not as strange as me.

An interesting thing I found out the other day - I am a better baker than the ones that bake for the restaurant I'm working at. Their cinnamon buns are AWFUL!! Dry as dust. Blech! I couldn't even eat it (and for those of you who know my situation, I'm at the point where I'll eat anything). Maybe I should try to transfer to the kitchen once I've been there a week or so.

Hmmm . . .

On a writing front, I've already screwed up my lovely schedule. I went to work on Revenge Is Sweet today (wrote an entire chapter!) and wrote a short called Vengeance.

Wow! Is anyone else seeing a theme here? Revenge, Vengeance, then I have one called Absolutely Livid. A shrink might say I have anger issues.

But like I told my brother earlier tonight, At least I'm only killing EE vicariously through my characters instead of in real life. I think I should get bonus points for that.

That's all for now. If I get REALLY bored later, I'll think of something else to share.

Procrastination Is A Lovely Thing

2008-09-27T11:22:00.000-04:00

I'm procrastinating on so many fronts right now.

1) I should be writing. Problem is I want to write something new and (to use a CC word) shiny, but I need to edit and finished all of my "in progress" projects.

2) I should be sending out more resumes. I actually have a legitimate excuse why I'm not working on this one. A fellow CCer (call him J) has offered to check my resume over and make it look so spiffy that everyone wants me to work for them :) Ok. So maybe he didn't promise that much, but J did say he'd look it over and fix it up.

3) I should be with the kids. This one I wouldn't be procrastinating over, but EE hasn't shown up or emailed yet, so I don't know what's going on.

Things I did do:

1) Figured out my daily word count goal for every day until next Sept. I made up nice little spreadsheets for each month to keep track.

2) Started a couple of crits (one for J and one for Y), but I'm really not in a critting mood.

3) Got interviewed by a reporter who's doing a story on the homeless. Was most odd.

I think it's the weather that has me feeling so blah lately. For the past 3 days and nights, we've had steady rain (at night the thunder and lightning join in).

Oh well. I'm off to attempt to do one of the things I should be doing.

Writing Goals

2008-09-25T18:14:00.000-04:00

My writing has (surprisingly) not suffered as a result of my months on the road. If anything, I think I'm improving both in rate of output and quality of output. Makes me very :D

So I thought I'd post my writing goals for the next year here and you guys can hound me to keep them.

Each month, I'll be working on something different. I will only give myself 1 month to work on each project so I'd best get my rear in gear.

Sept. '08 - Finish first script of Olympian Slide
Oct. '08 - Write first draft of The Demon Priest
Nov. '08 - (NaNo!) Write the first draft of Do Over
Dec. '08 - Rewrite Cassandra's Secrets
Jan. '09 - Finish rewrite of Twin Magic
Feb. '09 - Finish first draft of Absolutely Livid
Mar. '09 - Finish first draft of Revenge Is Sweet
April '09 - Finish first draft of Street Kids
May '09 - Finish first draft of A Day With Death
June '09 - Finish first draft of Briterra
July '09 - Finish first draft of Who Am I?
Aug. '09 - Finish first draft of Angel In Disguise

So that's where I am now. In my next post I'll write a little snippet about each one so you can know what it is. Ttyl.

I Suck As a Blogger . . .

2008-09-25T17:58:00.000-04:00

Because I never remember to post.

So I left Annapolis as planned, and spent 3 days driving to Cheyenne, Wyoming! If you've never been to that area of the country, I highly recommend it. Absolutely GORGEOUS! I fell in love with it immediately.

Of course . . .

If you're a city person, forget it. Just go for a 5 minute visit and you'll be done. The biggest city I saw there was fewer than 60,000 people. Reminded me a lot of the town where I grew up.

Worst thing I can say about WY? Don't even go for a visit if you like your hair brushed. You could brush and style your hair (using and entire can of hairspray AND an entire tub of gel), and when you walk outside, you'll look like something the cat dragged in. It blows all day and night, every day and night, at a speed that most people think happens only during a storm.

I loved it! Finally an excuse for why my hair looked the way it always did :) But the time came to move on.

I was going to go to either LA or Park City, UT (know people in both of those places), but neither worked out so I headed to Santa Fe, New Mexico. BIG MISTAKE!!!

It is so expensive. Right up on par with DC or NYC. The campground wanted me to pay $55/night FOR A TENT SPOT! Absolutely insane. So I moved on.

Decided to head back towards Maryland so I'd be closer to my kids. I made it as far as Nashville before gas and money ran out. (Stupid cars.)

All I can say about Nashville is - it's different. Actually, if I'd been able to find a decent job, I wouldn't have minded staying there. No luck.

The one thing I hated about Nashville - the roads. There must be like 10 major interstates that all meet up in Nashville and it gets INSANE! Not only that, but rush hour (comparable to DC's) lasts all day long. Ugh!

Thanks to prayer, friends and luck, I made it back to MD and saw my babies :) Unfortunately EE is being . . . well, evil for lack of a better term. He's acting like I'm an evil vampire and he lost his clove of garlic. Seriously.

Oh well.

Since I got here, I'm trying to sell my car, have found a job and am looking for a place to stay.

All prayers that might assist with those things are much appreciated.

Moving Day Is Coming

2008-07-06T00:15:00.000-04:00

Well, folks, it's official. I leave on Thursday. I'm heading for . . . Wyoming. I know I said I was looking at Jacksonville, but after much internal debating and talking with the kids (i.e. - them telling me where they'd like to be able to visit me), I changed my plans.

So it's off to the Cheyenne/Laramie area for me.

I'm excited. Hey, cross-country road trip, new places and new faces. Just the kind of thing I love.

I'm terrified. I only have $600 to my name to make a fresh start, so I will be living in a tent until I start making money. Luckily I kind of like camping (though I do believe that by the time I can move into an apartment, I'll never want to camp again). So for awhile, I'll be relying on Starbucks and other places for my internet.

And I HATE leaving my kids. Even though I'll be back in a few months for Thanksgiving, I hate it. I'm going to miss Micah's 6th birthday :(

But I gotta make the best of it since I don't have many other choices.

Depression and Suicide

2008-06-24T20:35:00.000-04:00

What does it say about a person when the only thing that stops them from killing themselves is the knowledge that their kids will miss them? Nothing good I'm pretty sure.

Guess it tells a lot about me that I ask that question. The only things that hold of thoughts of killing myself right now are my kids and alcohol. And I'm sick of drinking. Each time it takes more to forget why I'm so depressed. Need to find something else before I turn into a full-fledges alkie.

What To Do When Your Life Is Going Down The Tubes

2008-06-22T23:03:00.000-04:00

Just recently I remembered a bit of advice my Grammie once gave me. I was complaining to her about how everything kept going wrong in my life, nothing worked the way I wanted it to. She gave me THE LOOK and said, "Then you better do something about it. You don't like it, change it because no one else is going to do it for you."

Pissed me off then. But it made sense when I thought about it. Still pisses me off. Still makes sense. So I'm going to try to follow Grammie's advice. In fact I've already taken the first steps.

Over a year of job searching in Naptown, and I only got asked for 1 interview. Not good. Add in the rising taxes and rising cost of living, and I've realized I can't stay here anymore. I've started sending my resume to places farther afield - that pay just as much, but have a lower cost of living.

For those of you who know my situation, you know that moving means leaving my kids here with their dad and only seeing them sometimes. That knowledge (when the lightbulb finally went off in my head) sent me into a depression. I haven't written anything in about a month, have spent more days and nights drunk than sober, and just couldn't find any enthusiasm whatsoever for living.

It still depresses me, still makes me want to hide my head in the sand, but I won't. I'm making plans, job searching and apartment searching. And I have a goal. To be earning enough within the next 3 years so my kids can come live with me full-time. Say a prayer for me if you would, that everything works out the way it should. (Although if that means not having my kids full-time, God's going to get an earful from me)

It's Time To Kill All Managers

2008-05-22T09:10:00.000-04:00

I hate the managers at my job! Yes, even the cute ones like Paddy.

My personal belief is that emotions and personal lives should have absolutely zilch to do with work. And the managers expect all the "little people" to behave that way. But do they? Of course not. They get in a bad mood and it's nag and nitpick all day long (or night as the case is for me).

And then, when they oversleep and miss the start of their shift, guess who gets blamed for not calling and waking them to make sure they get there on time? Yours truly. It's enough to make me wish I was the bad guy in a gory horror flick.

As for writing, I started a new project called Revenge Is Sweet. I'm hoping to get chapter four done this weekend (maybe even more). I also need to finish edits of Lost & Found and work more on editing Twin Magic.

Ugh! Too much to do. Especially if you include job hunting, apartment hunting and the kids.

Speaking of kids, today is Micah's graduation from pre-K, so I'm out of here.

My Goals For The Month

2008-05-08T22:16:00.000-04:00

Writing seems to have fallen by the wayside lately as Real Life does its best to kick my butt. Job, apartment hunting, taking care of the kids, the pending divorce, being sick - it's all working together to wipe me out (physically and emotionally that is).

So I don't think I'll make my goal of having L&F rewritten by tomorrow. Hopefully by the end of the weekend though. That's the best part about working nights at a hotel. Most of my working hours are really free time :)

I am going to post my goals here so I won't try to duck out on them:

1) Finish the first rewrite of L&F by Sunday night so I can get it ready to submit

2) Find a new apartment by the end of the month

3) Bug my dad to send the money for the kids summer camp

There's probably more, but I can't think of them right now and I refuse to strain my abused brain.